The Double Life of Elle

The Secret Confessions of an Extra Lusty Broad in a Stick Figure World.

Secret Confession February 18, 2009

I have added a brand new “Goals and Milestones” page.  For the weight related goals (i.e. 10% lost, 50 lbs lost, etc), I have decided to reward myself with various goodies.  Those goodies aren’t necessarily dangling carrots though.  The idea that I will get new workout clothes after I hit my 10% isn’t going to be the driving motivation that keeps me on the treadmill.  BUT getting those new clothes will be a great way to celebrate the victory.  The rewards are more like a way to acknowledge important transitions.  I also listed some non-scale personal goals that I have, and that list is likely to grow.  If you have a goal/reward system in place, tell me about them in the comments.  Or better yet, blog about them and leave a link!   

In other news, I actually got to watch an entire episode of The Biggest Loser last night.  Tara is so hardcore…I kind of have a “fitness crush” on her.  She had a bit of a meltdown on last night’s episode, but I probably would too if I thought I had to work twice as hard to make up for my inconsistent partner.  The mud wrestling was hilarious!

As much as I admire Tara’s grit, I want Kristen of the purple team to win.  I wasn’t sad to see the Pink team fall below the yellow line, but I was really surprised that they asked everyone to vote off Shanon.  She seemed to regret her decision in the elimination room, but her mother seemed happy as a clam about staying.  I don’t know…Shanon looks good now (she’s lost 85 lbs), but I think she would have benefited more from being on the ranch than her mother.

Alright, Lusties.  I have another secret confession to make, and this is a big one…big and nasty:

I am a smoker.  I know, I know.  Please spare me the “you’regoingtodieoflungcancer” lecture.  I KNOW.  I want to quit.  Really, I do.  But sometimes when I think about it, my neurosis flares up again…

“What will I do if I’m waiting outside of the theater for someone?  Just…stand there?”

“What will I do on my breaks at work?”

“How on earth will I drive for long periods of time without smoking?”

“How the hell will I be able to socialize with my smoker friends?”

I know all of these concerns are mild compared to a lifetime of respiratory-related health problems.  My stop smoking date is March 18th.  So I have a month.  I am hoping that all the exercise will help squelch my craving for butts.  When I’ve exercised in the past, it hurt to smoke after a workout and it just felt so…dirty?  Until March 18, I will be working on cutting back the number of cigs I smoke a day.  

Week 1- 10 cigs or less/day

Week 2- 8 cigs or less/day

Week 3- 5 cigs or less/day

Week 4- 3 cigs or less/day

March 18–no cigs ever again/day

I will probably be utilizing some “stop-smoking” aids, like nicotine gum and patches.  My BFF is using the prescription Chantix…it is making her super flatulent and REALLY bitchy.  But it seems to be working for her.  I’m too terrified of the other side effects…like depression, so I’ll do it the old fashioned way.  If anyone out there is a smoker and would like to quit, let’s help each other.  If there are any ex-smokers out there, please help me. 

Phew!  That was hard.  But I put it out there and that means there’s a whole new level of accountability.  I can totally do this…right?

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Slightly Neurotic February 16, 2009

Filed under: exercise,Fat Mentality — thedoublelifeofelle @ 11:37 pm
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It’s a little after 11 pm, and I usually don’t blog this late.  SIL and I went to Ikea today, and if anyone else is a fan of Ikea then you know it’s an all day event.  We go pretty often.  It’s one of the ways we “hang out.”  Usually we go on a weekday that we both have off because there’s never a crowd during the week.  Not until we pulled up to the giant blue building with lines of cars coming out of every entrance to the parking garage did we remember that today was a holiday. 

Crowds make me panicky.  Squeezing by people, bumping into people, trying to find a big enough space for my fat ass to get through…it’s all very frustrating and slightly humiliating.  My face gets hot and blotchy and my breathing quickens.  Today I noticed that I tend to pick at my fingernails too.  Have I always been this ridiculously neurotic?  Probably.  Despite the crowds, we enjoyed ourselves and we were walking around a gigantic store for hours and hours, so we definitely burned some calories.   

Today also marked the end of my 30 days/zero junk food thing.  For an entire month, I prepared all of my meals, shunned fast food and drastically cut the sugar out of my diet.  I have learned that I’m a fairly good cook that can’t follow a recipe to save my life.  Yes, I can read and understand recipes, but I always modify them one way or another.  I’ve decided to embrace this creative facet of my personality.  Usually, I get angry at myself for not doing things perfectly.  I am an “analyzer” who feels the need to plan every detail of…well, everything.  But when I’m in the kitchen, I am a slightly different person.  When I am preparing a dish, I throw in whatever strikes my fancy.  I don’t use measuring cups or spoons.  I came up with some really great meals that will probably become staples around the house.  *patting myself on the back*

I can’t believe it’s been a month since I started this whole adventure.  Such a short time, but I feel like I have made some dramatic and lasting changes.  Speaking of which, I’m going to follow Fatbridesmaid’s example and get on the Lent Exercise bandwagon.  I’m planning on purchasing a treadmill this week (finally!).  I have decided to sacrifice my mornings.  I am NOT an early riser and have never been able to workout regularly in the morning.  But that’s why they call it sacrifice.  And I seem to do well with “month-long” challenges. 

It’s quite late for this extra lusty broad.  I shall see you all on Wednesday at a decent hour.

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Fat Mentality February 4, 2009

Filed under: Fat Mentality — thedoublelifeofelle @ 11:32 am
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For the past 3 weeks, my weight loss journey has been consuming me (in a good way).  I have found a determination that I didn’t know I was capable of.  This is the longest I’ve “had my heart in” any kind of diet.  Constantly, I think about all the things that I’ll be able to do when I lose this weight: like getting out of bed in the morning without a painful struggle, going to a restaurant and not having to squeeze myself into a booth, and not having to pay a fortune for cute bras and jeans.   

But I can’t imagine myself thinner.  I told that to my BFF (best friend forever, for those of you who didn’t write those things on your binders  or add it as a “closing” in notes to your BFF in middle school).  

Her exact words were, “Not with an attitude like that!” 

She missed my point completely.  She used to be a Skinny Bitch (I mean, like size 4 skinny) and gained a lot of weight (100 lbs) over the past 5 years.  She has lived most of her life a Skinny Bitch, while I have spent my entire life being Extra Lusty.  Trying to imagine myself thin, is like trying to imagine a different nose on my face.   Plus, I have this fat girl mentality I’ve had for as long as I can remember:  before going out anywhere, I think about all the possible ways my fat is going to cause me problems or embarrassment….like breaking a folding chair at a cookout (happened!), slipping and falling (I can’t completely chalk that up to being fat, because I am such a klutz, but everyone who witnesses it just sees a fat girl rolling around on the ground), and worst of all, navigating my way through a crowded bar.  BFF still has the skinny bitch mentality and these kinds of concerns don’t even cross her mind. 

Does anyone else feel this way?  Or DID anyone feel this way before they lost the weight?  Does the “fat girl mentality” ever really go away?? 

Well, The Biggest Loser changes Extra Lusties into Skinny Bitches!  I didn’t get to watch the whole show last night, but I did get to see the weigh-in of the At-Homers.  I was yelling at the T.V. when the green team weighed in.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m rooting for Green, but Laura needs to cut the whining and crying.  And like FatBridesmaid mentioned on her LiveBlog, I’m glad Jillian called out Aubrey on the Yellow team for using that tired “I’ve gained muscle” line when she only lost 2 lbs in 30 days (FatBridesmaid hosts a LiveBlog discussion during the airing of The Biggest Loser, and also posts a play-play synopsis of each episode).   Later in the show, Aubrey said that she worked out 4-5 hrs a day when she was home and that her diet was the culprit.  I find this hard to believe.  I was sad that Carla had to go home because of Joelle.  Carla worked so hard and she wanted it so bad…unfortunately her partner totally screwed her over.  It looks like it cost them their friendship too.   My BFF talks about applying for BL all the time, and she has said that she would end up at her partner’s throat if they weren’t working hard enough because she is so competitive (think Tara of the Green team).  Since I enjoy being her friend,  I think I’ll pass. ;)   

I will be weighing in for the third time tomorrow, and I won’t lie to you…I am feeling the pressure.  This blogging thing, gives a person A LOT of accountability.  See you all Friday and have a very happy Hump-Day!

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Great Expectations January 14, 2009

Filed under: The Plan — thedoublelifeofelle @ 12:32 am
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I bought a brand new scale today.  A fancy-schmancy one.  I had planned on not using it until D-Day (Jan. 15), but once I had it out of the box and fitted with new batteries I, of course, stepped on it.  Honestly, I wasn’t completely disappointed with the number.  I wouldn’t say I was thrilled to pieces, but I had been expecting worse.  Basically, I haven’t gained since my last failed attempt at dieting last spring.  That small victory has actually given me a teeny tiny bit of happiness…an extra 20-30lbs that I don’t have to lose.  I will post my stats Thursday after my first official weigh-in. 

My weight loss plan includes using Weight Watchers Online.  I once tried going to the meetings the year I got married and I lost about 15lbs.  But I didn’t go for very long.  I stopped going mostly because the meetings were excruciating.  I was paying nearly $50 a month to stand in line for an hour, get weighed, and listen to people bitch and moan about “falling off the wagon” and eating gallon tubs of ice cream and boxes and boxes of devil dogs.  The only meeting times I could make were ones that were overflowing and everyone had something to say and the leader barely got a chance to speak.  The meetings work for some, but they just ain’t my bag.  WWonline is way more affordable and I can log on 24/7 to find support, inspiration, recipes, points values, etc instead of waiting for the weekly “cattle drive.”  Maybe the money I’m saving on WW membership can be put toward a gym membership in the near future. 

This time around, I want to focus on eliminating most of the processed junk from my diet.  It’s going to take extra effort on my part and quite a bit of meal planning, but this is me changing my lifestyle not just me going on a “diet.”  And I love food…I mean I looooooove food.  I’ve never met a vegetable I didn’t like.  I love fresh fruit, whole grain bread, brown rice.   I was a vegetarian for 10 years.   But the problem is, I love junk food too and I have zero portion control.  And going on a “diet” and eating most of my meals out of a box stamped with the “low fat” label isn’t going to cut it with me.  All of that processed shit stacked on the shelves in every grocery store is not going to help me achieve a healthy lifestyle no matter how low fat/low calorie/low in points it is.  I’m 28 years old and what I do now is an investment into the quality of life I will have when I’m much older—good or bad.

I don’t expect to come out of the other side of this with a brand new wardrobe full of size 4 clothes.  I’m a tall broad with a fairly large frame.  I want to be healthy and within my healthy weight range (about 126-167lbs).  I know I’m probably never going to weigh 126lbs but I’m shooting for at least the top of the range. 

I really think I can do this.  My expectations aren’t unreasonable, but I am expecting great things from myself.


The Secret Confessions of an Extra Lusty Broad Living in a Stick Figure World January 12, 2009

Filed under: cha-cha-cha-changes — thedoublelifeofelle @ 3:04 am
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Hi, my (fake) name is Elle and I am fat, or as I prefer to call it Extra Lusty

You might be  saying, “So, Elle, why the pseudonym?” 

Because I need to be annonymous in order to be honest about the actual numbers associated with my body (weight, measurements, etc) as well as the emotions that helped those measurments sky rocket.  I need the accountability of putting all that out there for the world to see without revealing my true identity. 

“But, Elle, I hate to say it…but if you’re THAT fat, everybody you know already knows it.” 

Yes, yes…but no one in my life knows how much I really weigh.  I haven’t uttered those words out loud, even to myself.   Plus, I intend to be extremely candid on this site about all sorts of things other than my weight…like my nosy mother-in-law, condescending sister-in-law, parents I secretly blame for my emotional dysfunction, my skinny friends who just don’t get it,  and my wonderfully supportive husband.  And while I love the people in my life dearly, they are still very capable of pissing me off and the idea of having a secret little place to rant and rave makes me feel all tingly with happiness. 

It’s the beginning of 2009, and in the cliched hopes of starting over, I want to transform my life this year through weight loss.  I am tired of this body I’ve created.   I am tired of letting my weight keep me from doing new, exciting things.  I am tired of my thighs rubbing together.  I am tired of eating junk.  I am tired of not being able to buy clothes in a normal store.  I am tired of feeling unworthy of my smokin’ hot husband.  I am tired of feeling like shit every morning because I’m so damn fat I can’t find a comfortable sleeping position.  I am tired of totally hating myself. 

In just about 2 years, I will be hitting the big 3-0.  Since I wasted my 20’s being fat and depressed about it, I would like to enter my 30’s feeling better than I ever have. 

My official start day will be January 15, 2009.  That will be the initial weigh-in and day 1 of my new healthy lifestyle. 

So please stick around.  Help keep me accountable.  Send me lots of lovely inspirational things that will keep me on the straight-and-narrow.