The Double Life of Elle

The Secret Confessions of an Extra Lusty Broad in a Stick Figure World.

Slightly Neurotic February 16, 2009

Filed under: exercise,Fat Mentality — thedoublelifeofelle @ 11:37 pm
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It’s a little after 11 pm, and I usually don’t blog this late.  SIL and I went to Ikea today, and if anyone else is a fan of Ikea then you know it’s an all day event.  We go pretty often.  It’s one of the ways we “hang out.”  Usually we go on a weekday that we both have off because there’s never a crowd during the week.  Not until we pulled up to the giant blue building with lines of cars coming out of every entrance to the parking garage did we remember that today was a holiday. 

Crowds make me panicky.  Squeezing by people, bumping into people, trying to find a big enough space for my fat ass to get through…it’s all very frustrating and slightly humiliating.  My face gets hot and blotchy and my breathing quickens.  Today I noticed that I tend to pick at my fingernails too.  Have I always been this ridiculously neurotic?  Probably.  Despite the crowds, we enjoyed ourselves and we were walking around a gigantic store for hours and hours, so we definitely burned some calories.   

Today also marked the end of my 30 days/zero junk food thing.  For an entire month, I prepared all of my meals, shunned fast food and drastically cut the sugar out of my diet.  I have learned that I’m a fairly good cook that can’t follow a recipe to save my life.  Yes, I can read and understand recipes, but I always modify them one way or another.  I’ve decided to embrace this creative facet of my personality.  Usually, I get angry at myself for not doing things perfectly.  I am an “analyzer” who feels the need to plan every detail of…well, everything.  But when I’m in the kitchen, I am a slightly different person.  When I am preparing a dish, I throw in whatever strikes my fancy.  I don’t use measuring cups or spoons.  I came up with some really great meals that will probably become staples around the house.  *patting myself on the back*

I can’t believe it’s been a month since I started this whole adventure.  Such a short time, but I feel like I have made some dramatic and lasting changes.  Speaking of which, I’m going to follow Fatbridesmaid’s example and get on the Lent Exercise bandwagon.  I’m planning on purchasing a treadmill this week (finally!).  I have decided to sacrifice my mornings.  I am NOT an early riser and have never been able to workout regularly in the morning.  But that’s why they call it sacrifice.  And I seem to do well with “month-long” challenges. 

It’s quite late for this extra lusty broad.  I shall see you all on Wednesday at a decent hour.

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Fat Girl in a Little Chair February 13, 2009

Well, this week I really impressed myself.  Losing 2 lbs when I’m this bloated and crampy is just shy of a miracle.  I know that I can’t lose EVERY week, but I’m glad a gain didn’t happen this time.  I’m already a little emotional this week, and that might have done me in.  Who knows?  I’m down to 288.8 lbs, and when I tracked my new weight on WW’s, I had to recalculate my daily points allowance.  Before I was allowed 39 and now it’s 36.  That makes me feel great!  It really feels like I’m getting somewhere now.  Eighteen lbs to go to meet my first weight loss goal.  Go me!

Last night, my BFF and I went to see Jason Mraz in concert.  What an amazing vocalist!  I enjoy JM’s music and consider myself a fan, but his live performance was even better than his albums.  I am floored by his musical talent.  Seriously.  And he’s just so…adorable.  ;) 

I love going to concerts.  I do not love the itty-bitty chairs I have to stuff my ass into.  I also do not love sitting next to strangers and having my fat rolls flop onto their side of the arm rest.  Luckily, the seats at the concert were relatively roomy, and the stranger next to me was super skinny and all cuddled up with her boyfriend on the other side.  But of course we had to stand up a million times to let people squeeze by to find their seats.  Going to any kind of event in an arena/auditorium or even sometimes at the movies, can make a fat girl feel her fattest.  I feel like a giant bowling ball rolling through thousands of pins when I’m in a big crowd like that.  And when I have to slide into my seat kind of sideways (you know, you have to lower one cheek in the seat, and then squish the other one in to sit down), then I notice a Kate Moss look-a-like next to me only taking up half a seat–well, let’s just say, it doesn’t really help my self-esteem. 

I always try and talk myself into forgetting my body issues and just having a good time.  Who cares, right?  About 50 % of the time, I manage to do that.  The rest of the time, I start obsessing about my bulk and comparing myself to the thousands of strangers around me.  I really need to get a handle on the negative self-talk. 

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!  See you Monday, Lusties.

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When Nature Calls February 11, 2009

I am dreading tomorrow’s weigh-in the way I used to dread lab practical exams in college and the way I used to dread chair tryouts in high school (yes, I was a band nerd).  Maybe it’s because for 3 straight weeks I have been losing so it’s only a matter of time before I gain a half pound or two.  Maybe it’s because I am afraid that if I see a gain, I’ll hop right off the wagon and eat myself into oblivion.  Maybe it’s because I got my stupid period yesterday and am retaining a large body of water. 

Yesterday, I also (FINALLY!) got the DVDs I ordered from Amazon.  Last night I did the “morning” pilates workout.  I would give it a B-.  It wasn’t  super-challenging, but the instructor really wants you to focus on correct breathing, something I didn’t even know that I was doing wrong in other Pilates workouts.  I definitely felt my core engaging when I got the breathing down.  There are 2 other workouts on the DVD which I didn’t even get a chance to watch, so maybe they’re a bit more challenging.  I also watched the Yoga video, but haven’t actually done the poses yet.  But it looks like a great morning routine to help limber up the body. 

That’s really the main reason why I wanted these Extra Lusty DVDs: to gain flexibility.  When I wake up in the morning, I can barely get out of bed.  Everything hurts, and I never feel rested.  My body feels like it’s gone through a trash compactor in the night.  My bones crack for ages. When I try and stretch my calves by flexing my foot, I get Charlie Horses.  Standing up in the morning and putting all my weight on my feet KILLS.  I am so stiff upon rising, that I have to limp to the bathroom.  I feel like an old lady. 

I know that doing Plus Size Pilates and Just My Size Yoga isn’t going to burn nearly as many calories as taking a spin class, but I need to condition my body before I start working out hardcore.  I will NOT let myself get injured this time.  I will NOT get shin splints and let them keep me from enjoying my workouts. I will NOT have to limp my way around the walking track because of a twisted ankle.  Don’t misunderstand me, I am not afraid of the pain of working out.  I enjoy feeling that burn in my butt and abs, and that heady, sweaty endorphin rush.  But there’s a difference between coming away from a work out and feeling that you’ve accomplished something and feeling that you might have torn something. 

In other news, I missed most of The Biggest Loser last night.  Thank goodness for FatBridesmaid’s Recap.  Since Joelle is out of the house, I’ve already found new people in the house to hate.  Well, hate is a strong word.  I find some people in the house annoying.  Laura of the Green team pisses me off to no end.  I’m so glad Jillian was saying all the things that I was thinking about her.  I enjoy her teammate Tara though.  Yeah, she’s probably a bitch, but she’s an awesome competetor and she’s not a complainer like “Cupcake.”  And the Yellow team.  How freakin’ annoying are they?!   Again Jillian was spot on with her assessment of Mandi before Mandi’s husband and kids showed up on the ranch.  It was a distraction for both team members.  They should both just go home.  Everyone on the Ranch has a family (granted, not all have children, but some do), but Yellow is the only team letting homesickness get in the way of changing their lives.   

And on one final note, Fatbridesmaid just blogged about Lent and her plans to exercise everyday for 40 days.  This has got me thinking about what I should give up for Lent (it starts on Ash Wednesday, Feb 25).  Giving up laziness and excuses like Fatbridesmaid, sounds pretty appealing.  Technically there are 46 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter but those 6 Sundays aren’t a part of the Days of Lent, so I would probably use those days as rest days.  If anyone else plans on making a Lenten sacrifice, do tell.  (BTW, I’m not Catholic, so don’t let your religion or non-religion hold you back from participating.)

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Fat Pics February 9, 2009

Filed under: emotional meltdown — thedoublelifeofelle @ 12:53 pm
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Hope everyone had a good weekend.  Mine was…emotional.  My PMS-y hormones made me morph into SuperBitch–the villainess hell-bent on destroying everything in her path.  I tore SH a new asshole Saturday…FOR NO REASON!  I was just frustrated and needed someone to blame.  I know I hurt his feelings (he got a little choked up) but he took it in stride like he always does (which makes me feel even more guilty).  When we argue, and I realize I have hurt his feelings, my anger deflates and I am immediately apologetic.  I was roaring for a fight this weekend.  I wanted us to yell and scream.  That’s how arguments went in my house growing up, and as an adult, I don’t feel like anything gets resolved until there’s a certain level of loudness to the proceedings (I know this is completely irrational.  I know it’s much more emotionally healthy to argue without all the drama, but I have no idea how).  I learned to handle disagreements that way and I almost need the catharsis.   SH and I managed to have fabulous make-up sex, and SH isn’t even slightly pissed at me (in fact, he’s out in the garage right now fixing my car).  I still feel pretty guilty though.  When will I learn to keep my mouth shut?  When will I learn a constructive way to vent my feelings without hurting the people I love the most?  Maybe I should make the time to blog on the weekends to relieve some extra pressure.

Well, I managed to take some pictures of myself, and I managed to figure out how to post them (you can also find them at the top of the page under the Extra Lusty Pictures tab).  It’s funny…I have been avoiding cameras for as long as I can remember.  I hate being faced with undeniable proof of my obesity.  And I think this has contributed to my lack of “weight awareness.”  I heard at a WW’s meeting long ago that overweight people tend to underestimate their size, while normal weight people tend to overestimate their size.  At the time, I thought it was bull-honkey because I’m constantly thinking about how similar I look to a beached whale.  It’s hard for me to tie my shoes because I have several rolls of fat preventing me from bending over without turning red in the face.  I am aware that I’m fat. 

BUT I avoid full length mirrors, I avoid having pictures taken of myself, I avoid looking at pictures of myself.  When I shop for clothes, I rarely try them on, because of all that fluorescent lighting and those 3-way mirrors.  I see other extra lusty ladies out and about, and I’m constantly thinking, “Am I really that big?  I can’t be.  She’s definitely bigger than me.”  Because I have avoided looking at myself, I have no true sense of my actual size.  I have kept myself in denial.  When I was cropping my pics to post on this blog, I couldn’t believe how large I was.  I really didn’t think I was that fat.  It’s the first time in quite a while, that I took a full body shot without hiding behind something or someone.  The reality of my size, and how far I have to go to look just “overweight” and not “morbidly obese” is more than a little depressing. 

I didn’t really want to post the pics, but I HAD to.  This blog is all about being honest with myself (and you!).  And hopefully, in the future, these pics will serve to remind me how far I’ve come.

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Weigh in #3 and the Problem With Exercise February 6, 2009

Filed under: goals,weigh-in — thedoublelifeofelle @ 11:51 am
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So in case you haven’t noticed…I’m down 2.2 lbs this week!  That brings my total to 9.8 lbs gone for good!  I have also added a ticker to my FatStats page that is tracking my short-term goal of losing 10% of my starting weight.  I’m not sure I want it there, but it will do for now.  I’m making it a point to take pictures of myself this weekend, and hopefully I will be able to post them here, so be looking for those sometime next week.

I still haven’t started a formal exercise routine, but I have been trying to move more (i.e. be less lazy).  And I finally purchased those exercise DVDs from Amazon I mentioned in this post, but haven’t received them yet.  SexyHusband and I have also been shopping around for treadmills and hope to purchase one after we do our taxes.  SH suggested a particular treadmill that was a little cheaper than the one I want to buy.  Little does he realize, one of the reasons I want to buy the more expensive one is that the weight limit on it is 350 lbs as opposed to the 275 lb limit on the cheaper one.  And yes, hopefully I’ll be in the 270’s in no time, but one of my long-term goals is to start running so I may as well buy the treadmill that can take more of a beating (plus it has a much longer warranty).  If anyone has any treadmill recommendations, please recommend away! 

I do not like exercising in front of people.  Logically, I know that this is stupid…but I get SO embarrassed when I’m working out in a gym or when I’m taking a walk outside.  This is one of the reasons I fail to stick to my exercise routines long-term.  I started walking around a few blocks of my neighborhood with my dog last year, and I freaked out every time I saw someone out in their yards or when a car would drive by.  Irrational, right?! 

My Sister-in-Law, just joined a gym and mentioned that she wanted her friend to go with her but she refused.  The friend in question is Extra Lusty and I told SIL, “It’s very hard for a fat girl to walk into a gym with a skinny girl and workout in front of everyone.  The shame is unbearable for some people.”  She’s another one that doesn’t quite get the the Fat Mentality, but her heart is in the right place.  She wanted to help her friend get the courage to go the gym by offering to go with her.    

Although not everyone struggles with the negative thinking as much as I do.  Kelly at Choosing Losing has a healthy self-esteem and can look at her body rationally and say, “I need to work on that” instead of “I hate myself” (she wrote a great post about self-image that I linked to).  Good for you, Kelly!  One of my goals is to reach that level of emotional health. 

I hope everyone had successful weigh-ins this week, and even if you didn’t, don’t fall into a funk of self-loathing!  Have a great weekend, Lusties!

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Fat Mentality February 4, 2009

Filed under: Fat Mentality — thedoublelifeofelle @ 11:32 am
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For the past 3 weeks, my weight loss journey has been consuming me (in a good way).  I have found a determination that I didn’t know I was capable of.  This is the longest I’ve “had my heart in” any kind of diet.  Constantly, I think about all the things that I’ll be able to do when I lose this weight: like getting out of bed in the morning without a painful struggle, going to a restaurant and not having to squeeze myself into a booth, and not having to pay a fortune for cute bras and jeans.   

But I can’t imagine myself thinner.  I told that to my BFF (best friend forever, for those of you who didn’t write those things on your binders  or add it as a “closing” in notes to your BFF in middle school).  

Her exact words were, “Not with an attitude like that!” 

She missed my point completely.  She used to be a Skinny Bitch (I mean, like size 4 skinny) and gained a lot of weight (100 lbs) over the past 5 years.  She has lived most of her life a Skinny Bitch, while I have spent my entire life being Extra Lusty.  Trying to imagine myself thin, is like trying to imagine a different nose on my face.   Plus, I have this fat girl mentality I’ve had for as long as I can remember:  before going out anywhere, I think about all the possible ways my fat is going to cause me problems or embarrassment….like breaking a folding chair at a cookout (happened!), slipping and falling (I can’t completely chalk that up to being fat, because I am such a klutz, but everyone who witnesses it just sees a fat girl rolling around on the ground), and worst of all, navigating my way through a crowded bar.  BFF still has the skinny bitch mentality and these kinds of concerns don’t even cross her mind. 

Does anyone else feel this way?  Or DID anyone feel this way before they lost the weight?  Does the “fat girl mentality” ever really go away?? 

Well, The Biggest Loser changes Extra Lusties into Skinny Bitches!  I didn’t get to watch the whole show last night, but I did get to see the weigh-in of the At-Homers.  I was yelling at the T.V. when the green team weighed in.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m rooting for Green, but Laura needs to cut the whining and crying.  And like FatBridesmaid mentioned on her LiveBlog, I’m glad Jillian called out Aubrey on the Yellow team for using that tired “I’ve gained muscle” line when she only lost 2 lbs in 30 days (FatBridesmaid hosts a LiveBlog discussion during the airing of The Biggest Loser, and also posts a play-play synopsis of each episode).   Later in the show, Aubrey said that she worked out 4-5 hrs a day when she was home and that her diet was the culprit.  I find this hard to believe.  I was sad that Carla had to go home because of Joelle.  Carla worked so hard and she wanted it so bad…unfortunately her partner totally screwed her over.  It looks like it cost them their friendship too.   My BFF talks about applying for BL all the time, and she has said that she would end up at her partner’s throat if they weren’t working hard enough because she is so competitive (think Tara of the Green team).  Since I enjoy being her friend,  I think I’ll pass. ;)   

I will be weighing in for the third time tomorrow, and I won’t lie to you…I am feeling the pressure.  This blogging thing, gives a person A LOT of accountability.  See you all Friday and have a very happy Hump-Day!

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All You Need is Love February 2, 2009

Filed under: link love — thedoublelifeofelle @ 3:23 pm
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Today, I thought I would give a little link love. 

Need a little motivation?  Check out Gettin’ Shrunk.  This hardcore dieting, punk rockin’, tatoo-sportin’ mom has a great success story about her weight loss.  She also has excellent pictures that chronicle her weight from 281 lbs to 137 lbs! 

Want another reason to limit your intake of processed foods?  How about mercury contaminated High Fructose Corn Syrup?  Yeah, I think I’ll pass.  Crunchy Domestic Goddess has a great post about this here with lots of great links.  Need more convincing?  A mom with a PhD in chemical engineering says no to HFCS in A Life Less Sweet and an ex-pat nutritionist lives her life Fake Food Free

Want to blog yourself thin? Check out DietGirl’s post, about documenting “lard-busting” online.  There’s some link love to enjoy there too!

All right, Lusties, hope you enjoy the clickclickclicking.  I’m going to leave you with a youtube video of the first part of  ABC’s 2004 documentary “How to Get Fat Without Really Trying.”  If you get a chance, watch the whole thing, because it has some great information about America’s food industry.