The Double Life of Elle

The Secret Confessions of an Extra Lusty Broad in a Stick Figure World.

Blah… March 6, 2009

Filed under: weigh-in — thedoublelifeofelle @ 10:28 pm
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I’m almost over my sickness.  I did go to work today, and it was horrible.  I also managed to weigh myself today.  I lost 1 lb this week. 

This tiny little blog post has tuckered me out.  You will see me again Monday, hopefully healthier and back on the Lent Wagon.

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Weigh-In and Updates March 2, 2009

So I didn’t get a chance to post last Friday.  SH and I both had the day off and we were out most of the day.  I did weigh in on Thursday though, and I only gained 0.2 lbs.  Am I disappointed that I gained?  Slightly, but I was expecting it.  I’m thrilled that I only gained a very small amount though. 

The Lenten challenge is going OK.  I have been shit about waking up early to work out.  If I manage to squeeze in a workout before bedtime, I’m lucky.  I have been doing yoga and pilates, nothing super strenuous.  I don’t want to burn out on this challenge!  I’ll be upping the ante in a few days by dusting off my Firm DVDs.  I loooooove the Firm.  It absolutely kicks my ass.  I also want to get Jillian’s 30 day shred.  I suppose I’m slightly masochistic when it comes to exercise.   

And the smoking…well, this week I’m supposed to smoke 8 cigs or less per day.  This has been pretty easy to stick to…except for yesterday when I had to work 10 hours.   I smoked about 12 cigs yesterday.  This morning I woke up coughing and with a sore throat.  I’m not sure if I’m getting sick or if I just puffed too much yesterday. 

My diet has been shit.  I have been so busy that I’ve neglected going to the market and my pantry needs a good restocking.  I had pizza at work yesterday and Chinese takeout on Friday. This tends to happen when I don’t have food at home to prepare. 

My goals for the week:

-Plan out my meals for the week and shop accordingly.

-Start using my Firm DVDs.

-Purchase 30 Day Shred

-Purchase some nicotine gum to help cut the smoking to 5 cigs this week.

Happy Monday, everyone!

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Blog Yourself Thin February 20, 2009

Every time I have tried to lose weight in the past, I do great for a couple of weeks, then fuck up and fizzle out.  Then a year later, when I get fed up with the fat again, I always think, “If only I would have stuck with it last year, I wouldn’t be in this position now.”  I joined WeightWatchers.com last year in January probably feeling this way.  I fucked up/fizzled out (the last time I tracked my weight was March 17), but my original stats are still on my weight tracking page.  My initial weight last year was 305 lbs, my highest weight ever.  According to my WW Weight Tracker I have lost 18.4 lbs, which sounds great, but on January 15 I made a fresh start so I’m sticking with my weight loss numbers from that time.  I could have cleared my old weights on WWs but I wanted to preserve “the struggle.” 

It took me a whole year to find the right mindset for this challenge.  Now I’m not looking back with regret.  There was no way I could have lost a significant amount of weight last year, short of contracting a horrible illness.  Emotionally, I was not ready to deal with some of the issues that kept me fat.  I wasn’t ready to change my lifestyle, I just wanted my life to magically change.

Next year, I will not be saying, “If only——.”  And you, Lusties, are my witnesses. :) 

So I usually post 3 times a week (M, W, and F), but I’m thinking of adding a 4th post to the week, for food talk.  Recently, I have decided to try a brand new (healthy) recipe every week, and maybe the 4th post can be concerned with that.  I think blogging about cooking will help keep me motivated to actually do it.

And speaking of which, this whole blogging thing has been a truly essential part of my weight loss.  One of those cliched weight loss tips you hear all the time is to “keep a diary” to “work through your emotions.”  Well, that totally helps, but what really lights a fire under your ass is publishing your private diary for the entire world to see.  The single most important thing I have done to get this weight loss thing started, has been blogging.  I have a routine: every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I curl up with my laptop on the couch, organize my emotions,  and type away.  This blog has given me the structure that I crave, and it’s been a great way for me to truly see my own progress. 

So if you don’t have a blog and you want to lose weight, I suggest that you at least try it out.  And for those of you that do have weight loss blogs, I invite you to promote your blog in the comments.  Just write a little synopsis and leave a link.  Weight loss/Health related blogs only please.  I’m always looking for new blogs to read and new people to connect with and I need to add to my blogroll. 

Alright, Lusties.  I will see you Monday! 

Oh, yeah…I lost 2.2 lbs this week!  Woohoo!

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Fat Girl in a Little Chair February 13, 2009

Well, this week I really impressed myself.  Losing 2 lbs when I’m this bloated and crampy is just shy of a miracle.  I know that I can’t lose EVERY week, but I’m glad a gain didn’t happen this time.  I’m already a little emotional this week, and that might have done me in.  Who knows?  I’m down to 288.8 lbs, and when I tracked my new weight on WW’s, I had to recalculate my daily points allowance.  Before I was allowed 39 and now it’s 36.  That makes me feel great!  It really feels like I’m getting somewhere now.  Eighteen lbs to go to meet my first weight loss goal.  Go me!

Last night, my BFF and I went to see Jason Mraz in concert.  What an amazing vocalist!  I enjoy JM’s music and consider myself a fan, but his live performance was even better than his albums.  I am floored by his musical talent.  Seriously.  And he’s just so…adorable.  ;) 

I love going to concerts.  I do not love the itty-bitty chairs I have to stuff my ass into.  I also do not love sitting next to strangers and having my fat rolls flop onto their side of the arm rest.  Luckily, the seats at the concert were relatively roomy, and the stranger next to me was super skinny and all cuddled up with her boyfriend on the other side.  But of course we had to stand up a million times to let people squeeze by to find their seats.  Going to any kind of event in an arena/auditorium or even sometimes at the movies, can make a fat girl feel her fattest.  I feel like a giant bowling ball rolling through thousands of pins when I’m in a big crowd like that.  And when I have to slide into my seat kind of sideways (you know, you have to lower one cheek in the seat, and then squish the other one in to sit down), then I notice a Kate Moss look-a-like next to me only taking up half a seat–well, let’s just say, it doesn’t really help my self-esteem. 

I always try and talk myself into forgetting my body issues and just having a good time.  Who cares, right?  About 50 % of the time, I manage to do that.  The rest of the time, I start obsessing about my bulk and comparing myself to the thousands of strangers around me.  I really need to get a handle on the negative self-talk. 

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!  See you Monday, Lusties.

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Weigh in #3 and the Problem With Exercise February 6, 2009

Filed under: goals,weigh-in — thedoublelifeofelle @ 11:51 am
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So in case you haven’t noticed…I’m down 2.2 lbs this week!  That brings my total to 9.8 lbs gone for good!  I have also added a ticker to my FatStats page that is tracking my short-term goal of losing 10% of my starting weight.  I’m not sure I want it there, but it will do for now.  I’m making it a point to take pictures of myself this weekend, and hopefully I will be able to post them here, so be looking for those sometime next week.

I still haven’t started a formal exercise routine, but I have been trying to move more (i.e. be less lazy).  And I finally purchased those exercise DVDs from Amazon I mentioned in this post, but haven’t received them yet.  SexyHusband and I have also been shopping around for treadmills and hope to purchase one after we do our taxes.  SH suggested a particular treadmill that was a little cheaper than the one I want to buy.  Little does he realize, one of the reasons I want to buy the more expensive one is that the weight limit on it is 350 lbs as opposed to the 275 lb limit on the cheaper one.  And yes, hopefully I’ll be in the 270’s in no time, but one of my long-term goals is to start running so I may as well buy the treadmill that can take more of a beating (plus it has a much longer warranty).  If anyone has any treadmill recommendations, please recommend away! 

I do not like exercising in front of people.  Logically, I know that this is stupid…but I get SO embarrassed when I’m working out in a gym or when I’m taking a walk outside.  This is one of the reasons I fail to stick to my exercise routines long-term.  I started walking around a few blocks of my neighborhood with my dog last year, and I freaked out every time I saw someone out in their yards or when a car would drive by.  Irrational, right?! 

My Sister-in-Law, just joined a gym and mentioned that she wanted her friend to go with her but she refused.  The friend in question is Extra Lusty and I told SIL, “It’s very hard for a fat girl to walk into a gym with a skinny girl and workout in front of everyone.  The shame is unbearable for some people.”  She’s another one that doesn’t quite get the the Fat Mentality, but her heart is in the right place.  She wanted to help her friend get the courage to go the gym by offering to go with her.    

Although not everyone struggles with the negative thinking as much as I do.  Kelly at Choosing Losing has a healthy self-esteem and can look at her body rationally and say, “I need to work on that” instead of “I hate myself” (she wrote a great post about self-image that I linked to).  Good for you, Kelly!  One of my goals is to reach that level of emotional health. 

I hope everyone had successful weigh-ins this week, and even if you didn’t, don’t fall into a funk of self-loathing!  Have a great weekend, Lusties!

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Weigh in #2 and Fat Acceptance January 30, 2009

This week I am down 3.0 lbs!  Before stepping on the scale this time, I had that fleeting “WhatifIdon’tloseanyweightthisweek?!” moment of panic.  I found myself grazing more this week.  At least my pantry is free from any junk food, or this would have been disastrous.  I had extra helpings this week, but I always consulted the hunger scale  before having seconds.  But I think on the days when I enjoyed a second or third serving,  I was confusing thirst with hunger.  I didn’t stay as hydrated as I should have and I think that contributed to my “hunger.”  Bad Elle!  I still managed a loss this week and from now on, I’m going to make sure I drink up.  I also have a feeling Mother Nature might be stopping by in a few days, because of my slightly more “blue” moods over the past couple of days, which also could account for the increased appetite.

So this means that I have completed 2 consecutive weeks of planned, unproccessed, non-fast food meals.  Lusties, I don’t think you realize how amazing this is!  Don’t get me wrong, I have always enjoyed cooking, but before I started this I rarely cooked.  Programmed into my cell phone’s memory is every restaurant that delivers within a 25 mile radius.  There is a McDonald’s less than half-a-mile down the road from my house and I work right across the street from a sandwich shop that makes the most EXCELLENT Italian grinders.  It’s so much easier to stop at or get delivery from this wide variety of choices than to cook an entire meal.  And this is a fine option for your normal, not addicted to food, person who doesn’t feel like making dinner a couple of nights a week.  But not me.  I get a grinder for lunch, then stop at McDonald’s on the way home and maybe even order some Chinese delivery.  EVERYDAY!  (Does anyone else struggle with making meals at home when restaurants/fast food joints are so ubiquitous?) So this whole, making meals at home thing is a huge non-scale-victory for me. 

Because of my fears of gaining weight this week, the idea of Fat Acceptance has been on my mind.  I like the idea of a movement that tries to abolish all of those negative stereotypes we have about the Extra Lusty.  I also like how Healthy at Every Size (HAES) is emphasized.  There are some really great FA blogs out there and one of my favorites happens to be Living ~400lbs in which a 40-something 400lb woman talks candidly about what it’s like to weigh that much and how it doesn’t really affect her life.  She still does all the same things thin people do like work, exercise, and even have sex (funny how a lot of people don’t think fat people are capable of finding someone to sleep with).

Shapely Prose is an excellent multi-authored FA/Feminist blog.  These ladies are not only Extra Lusty, they’re smart and snarky.

Mouthfeel: The Story of Fat has a great post with  links and information about FA and misconceptions about the health of fat people. 

So this begs the question, why don’t I just accept my Extra Lustiness and stop dieting?  Because I didn’t get to 300.6 lbs because of living HAES.  I abused my body to get that far.  But I don’t plan on abusing my body to lose the weight either.  I want to eat nutrious foods, be active and enjoy my life, and hopefully gain some self-esteem.  As I’ve said all along, this isn’t about fitting into a size 4.  It’s about taking control of my health.  And if that means I never reach my goal weight of 167lbs, that’s okay.  As long as I’m living a healthy lifestyle, the number on the scale won’t scare me. 

  Have a great weekend everyone!

 

The Weigh-In and Week One in Review January 23, 2009

Filed under: goals,weigh-in — thedoublelifeofelle @ 6:13 am
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The results are in:  I posted a 4.6 lb (2.1 Kg) loss this week!  That puts my current weight at 296 lbs, with 129 lbs to lose to reach my ultimate goal weight of 167 lbs.  This week has been great.  I have been feeling positive and have kept on top of tracking my food and points.  I have tried out a couple of new recipes and they were fantastic.  Eating breakfast has been much easier than I initially thought.  My favorite breakfast is Kashi GoLean Crunch with soy milk and blueberries.  Yum!  It’s a little on the sweet side, but soy milk and Kashi are the only foods in my diet with any added sugar, so I don’t feel so bad.  Now that I’ve gotten this first loss under my belt (out from under my belt, I should say),  I would like to set some short-term goals for myself. 

  1. Lose 10% of my starting weight.  This is one of the first goals you are encouraged to reach for in WeightWatchers, and it’s a good one.  All of those wonderful health benefits of losing weight show measurable results after losing 10%.  It can help lower your cholesterol and reduce your risk of diabetes.  So this goal is the one I’m going to focus on for now.  After this week’s weight-loss I have 25.4 lbs to go!    
  2. Eliminate junk food/fast food completely for 4 weeks.  This is a tough one, but I really need to buckle down and get in the habit of preparing all of my meals at home with wholesome ingredients.  This is what I have been doing since Weigh-In #1, and it’s been great.  I haven’t had any cravings and I haven’t felt unsatisfied (granted, I’m also not PMSing now!).  You know that common belief that to make something a habit, you should do it for 30 days?  Well, I’m hoping that this holds true.  And I’m not saying that I’m never going to eat a double-cheeseburger again or swear off peanut M&M’s for life.  I just want preparing dinner each night and bringing my lunch to work to be as habitual as ordering take-out was before.  And  in order for me to get some momentum going, I need to make some strict “no tolerance” rules for myself.  Plus I need to have some practice with that whole portion control thing before I even think of looking at a bag of chocolates.   
  3. Buy those workout DVDs that have been in my Amazon.com shopping cart for a few weeks now and start using them.  The DVDs that I’m thinking of purchasing are yoga and pilates workouts for the Extra Lusty.  I have tried the “Skinny Bitches” yoga/pilates DVDs and I get so frustrated with my limited flexibility, and even if I do the modified versions of the exercises I still can’t maintain proper form.  Let’s not forget the fact that I have giant boobs and fat rolls to contend with!  It’s hard to do the pilates “100” when you’re being suffocated by your own tits!  From what I hear, it’s not that the workouts are “easy,” it’s that they take into account the Extra Lusty physique.   The workouts that have been recommended to me are  Yoga: Just My Size with Megan Garcia  and Look Great, Feel Great: Plus Size Pilates.  I know that in order to really blast the calories, I need to do aerobic activity and strength training, and I do intend on getting myself into a routine very soon.  I really want to try the yoga and pilates first though to increase my flexibility and hopefully avoid those injuries I’m so prone to when I go balls-to-the-wall. 

I have had a great week and I am loving connecting with all of you fabulous people out there.  I hope everyone is staying positive.  Have a great weekend!