Hope everyone had a good weekend. Mine was…emotional. My PMS-y hormones made me morph into SuperBitch–the villainess hell-bent on destroying everything in her path. I tore SH a new asshole Saturday…FOR NO REASON! I was just frustrated and needed someone to blame. I know I hurt his feelings (he got a little choked up) but he took it in stride like he always does (which makes me feel even more guilty). When we argue, and I realize I have hurt his feelings, my anger deflates and I am immediately apologetic. I was roaring for a fight this weekend. I wanted us to yell and scream. That’s how arguments went in my house growing up, and as an adult, I don’t feel like anything gets resolved until there’s a certain level of loudness to the proceedings (I know this is completely irrational. I know it’s much more emotionally healthy to argue without all the drama, but I have no idea how). I learned to handle disagreements that way and I almost need the catharsis. SH and I managed to have fabulous make-up sex, and SH isn’t even slightly pissed at me (in fact, he’s out in the garage right now fixing my car). I still feel pretty guilty though. When will I learn to keep my mouth shut? When will I learn a constructive way to vent my feelings without hurting the people I love the most? Maybe I should make the time to blog on the weekends to relieve some extra pressure.
Well, I managed to take some pictures of myself, and I managed to figure out how to post them (you can also find them at the top of the page under the Extra Lusty Pictures tab). It’s funny…I have been avoiding cameras for as long as I can remember. I hate being faced with undeniable proof of my obesity. And I think this has contributed to my lack of “weight awareness.” I heard at a WW’s meeting long ago that overweight people tend to underestimate their size, while normal weight people tend to overestimate their size. At the time, I thought it was bull-honkey because I’m constantly thinking about how similar I look to a beached whale. It’s hard for me to tie my shoes because I have several rolls of fat preventing me from bending over without turning red in the face. I am aware that I’m fat.
BUT I avoid full length mirrors, I avoid having pictures taken of myself, I avoid looking at pictures of myself. When I shop for clothes, I rarely try them on, because of all that fluorescent lighting and those 3-way mirrors. I see other extra lusty ladies out and about, and I’m constantly thinking, “Am I really that big? I can’t be. She’s definitely bigger than me.” Because I have avoided looking at myself, I have no true sense of my actual size. I have kept myself in denial. When I was cropping my pics to post on this blog, I couldn’t believe how large I was. I really didn’t think I was that fat. It’s the first time in quite a while, that I took a full body shot without hiding behind something or someone. The reality of my size, and how far I have to go to look just “overweight” and not “morbidly obese” is more than a little depressing.
I didn’t really want to post the pics, but I HAD to. This blog is all about being honest with myself (and you!). And hopefully, in the future, these pics will serve to remind me how far I’ve come.