The Double Life of Elle

The Secret Confessions of an Extra Lusty Broad in a Stick Figure World.

Relax this! February 25, 2009

Filed under: exercise — thedoublelifeofelle @ 11:28 pm
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Today, being Ash Wednesday, marks the very first day of Lent.  And if you’ve been following along, you know that for the next 40 days, I will be sacrificing laziness and making the time to exercise everyday.  This morning I woke up fairly early and did yoga. 

And you know what I realized today, Lusties?  I flippin’ hate yoga.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the flexibility I felt afterwards, but I absolutely cannot focus on my “breathing” and I cannot tap into my “feminine energy.”  When I workout, I like to sweat, swear, grimace and groan to loud thumping music.  I need to drown out the chaotic “chatter” that fills my thoughts.  No, I don’t suffer from multiple personalities, but my mind is always very busy.  I’m a worrier, a planner, an analyzer, a dweller.  And when I hear New Age music and a quiet, lilting voice telling me to “concentrate on the sound of my own breath,” I can’t just give in to the stillness.  While doing the poses this morning, I was thinking about writing this post, what I was going to eat for lunch, what bills I need to pay when I get paid tomorrow…the list goes on and on.  

Instead of quieting my mind, I let it run higgledy-piggledy.  And although I didn’t feel “relaxed” at the end of my yoga workout, I did feel like I had a jump-start on the day ahead of me.  The stretching was great too, but next time, I think I will forgoe the lilting voice and listen to my own music.  It’s a good thing my fancy-schmancy new red iPod was delivered via Fed-Ex today! 

Weigh-in is tomorrow and I have a feeling this is my week to gain.  I haven’t been planning my meals the way I should this week, plus I had that bout with convenience food.  BUT my jeans are so loose in the ass/thighs that I think I may need to go down a size.  I wasn’t expecting to notice any difference this soon but I am, of course, thrilled.

Anway, it’s way too late for me to be blogging.  I will see you all at a decent hour on Friday.

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Takin’ Care of Business February 23, 2009

Filed under: exercise — thedoublelifeofelle @ 1:01 pm
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I hope everyone had a great weekend.  I snacked way too much because I had ready-made prepackaged snacks in the house (granola bars, string cheese, yogurt).  I will NOT be purchasing convenient processed snacks anymore!  This is one case where my laziness can actually help me stick to my diet:  when I feel like snacking, I decide whether or not I want to go to the trouble of “preparing” something or whether I just want to grab an apple or banana.  The fruit always wins…or whatever else is lying around that I can just stuff in my mouth.  So if I just keep good “convenience” food around, I’m golden.  

I haven’t bought my treadmill yet, but I did order a brand new red iPod nano, which should be arriving sometime this week.  I love making kick ass workout playlists.  Let’s face it, one of the best things about exercise is the soundtrack.  Maybe I’ll share some of my playlists. 

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, Fatbridesmaid is heralding a Lenten Challenge.  Participants will be sacrificing laziness for the 40 days of Lent, exercising for 30 minutes everyday.  The first day of Lent is this Wednesday, Feb 25, if anyone wants to join the fun.  

Last week, I confessed that I am a smoker and I laid out my plans for quitting.  So far, so good.  I haven’t had any problem sticking to 10 cigs or less over the past few days.  Mostly, I smoke them while I’m driving or at work…this is going to be a problem when I make it to 3 cigs or less/day.  But I’ll worry about that later.  To my surprise, my Mother In Law has decided to quit too.  Her final butt was last Tuesday.  I wish I had known that before I had to work with her this weekend, but her bitchiness wasn’t so bad.  I hope she can stick with it, because quite frankly, it will make it easier for me to stick with it.            

One more bit of business to take care of:

I got a comment from an asshat who sad my last post was bullshit because there are search engines like Google that I could use to find new blogs.  I promptly deleted it (it was, after all, in my spam que).  And if my reading comprehension magically deserted me and I misunderstood the context of the comment, I apologize for the deletion.  Somehow, I don’t think that happened, so if that person happens to be reading this post——

Yeah, I know all about Google, moron.  But I wanted to give my readers a chance to plug their blogs and, oh…I don’t know, perhaps foster a sense of community amongst those of us on the same path.

So anyway, I will be adding the blogs of the commentors of my last post to my “fatroll” (but not yours, Jen…’cause you’re already there;) ).  So if anyone else wants to be added, just leave a link. 

Alright, I think all the business is out of the way.

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Blog Yourself Thin February 20, 2009

Every time I have tried to lose weight in the past, I do great for a couple of weeks, then fuck up and fizzle out.  Then a year later, when I get fed up with the fat again, I always think, “If only I would have stuck with it last year, I wouldn’t be in this position now.”  I joined WeightWatchers.com last year in January probably feeling this way.  I fucked up/fizzled out (the last time I tracked my weight was March 17), but my original stats are still on my weight tracking page.  My initial weight last year was 305 lbs, my highest weight ever.  According to my WW Weight Tracker I have lost 18.4 lbs, which sounds great, but on January 15 I made a fresh start so I’m sticking with my weight loss numbers from that time.  I could have cleared my old weights on WWs but I wanted to preserve “the struggle.” 

It took me a whole year to find the right mindset for this challenge.  Now I’m not looking back with regret.  There was no way I could have lost a significant amount of weight last year, short of contracting a horrible illness.  Emotionally, I was not ready to deal with some of the issues that kept me fat.  I wasn’t ready to change my lifestyle, I just wanted my life to magically change.

Next year, I will not be saying, “If only——.”  And you, Lusties, are my witnesses. :) 

So I usually post 3 times a week (M, W, and F), but I’m thinking of adding a 4th post to the week, for food talk.  Recently, I have decided to try a brand new (healthy) recipe every week, and maybe the 4th post can be concerned with that.  I think blogging about cooking will help keep me motivated to actually do it.

And speaking of which, this whole blogging thing has been a truly essential part of my weight loss.  One of those cliched weight loss tips you hear all the time is to “keep a diary” to “work through your emotions.”  Well, that totally helps, but what really lights a fire under your ass is publishing your private diary for the entire world to see.  The single most important thing I have done to get this weight loss thing started, has been blogging.  I have a routine: every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I curl up with my laptop on the couch, organize my emotions,  and type away.  This blog has given me the structure that I crave, and it’s been a great way for me to truly see my own progress. 

So if you don’t have a blog and you want to lose weight, I suggest that you at least try it out.  And for those of you that do have weight loss blogs, I invite you to promote your blog in the comments.  Just write a little synopsis and leave a link.  Weight loss/Health related blogs only please.  I’m always looking for new blogs to read and new people to connect with and I need to add to my blogroll. 

Alright, Lusties.  I will see you Monday! 

Oh, yeah…I lost 2.2 lbs this week!  Woohoo!

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Secret Confession February 18, 2009

I have added a brand new “Goals and Milestones” page.  For the weight related goals (i.e. 10% lost, 50 lbs lost, etc), I have decided to reward myself with various goodies.  Those goodies aren’t necessarily dangling carrots though.  The idea that I will get new workout clothes after I hit my 10% isn’t going to be the driving motivation that keeps me on the treadmill.  BUT getting those new clothes will be a great way to celebrate the victory.  The rewards are more like a way to acknowledge important transitions.  I also listed some non-scale personal goals that I have, and that list is likely to grow.  If you have a goal/reward system in place, tell me about them in the comments.  Or better yet, blog about them and leave a link!   

In other news, I actually got to watch an entire episode of The Biggest Loser last night.  Tara is so hardcore…I kind of have a “fitness crush” on her.  She had a bit of a meltdown on last night’s episode, but I probably would too if I thought I had to work twice as hard to make up for my inconsistent partner.  The mud wrestling was hilarious!

As much as I admire Tara’s grit, I want Kristen of the purple team to win.  I wasn’t sad to see the Pink team fall below the yellow line, but I was really surprised that they asked everyone to vote off Shanon.  She seemed to regret her decision in the elimination room, but her mother seemed happy as a clam about staying.  I don’t know…Shanon looks good now (she’s lost 85 lbs), but I think she would have benefited more from being on the ranch than her mother.

Alright, Lusties.  I have another secret confession to make, and this is a big one…big and nasty:

I am a smoker.  I know, I know.  Please spare me the “you’regoingtodieoflungcancer” lecture.  I KNOW.  I want to quit.  Really, I do.  But sometimes when I think about it, my neurosis flares up again…

“What will I do if I’m waiting outside of the theater for someone?  Just…stand there?”

“What will I do on my breaks at work?”

“How on earth will I drive for long periods of time without smoking?”

“How the hell will I be able to socialize with my smoker friends?”

I know all of these concerns are mild compared to a lifetime of respiratory-related health problems.  My stop smoking date is March 18th.  So I have a month.  I am hoping that all the exercise will help squelch my craving for butts.  When I’ve exercised in the past, it hurt to smoke after a workout and it just felt so…dirty?  Until March 18, I will be working on cutting back the number of cigs I smoke a day.  

Week 1- 10 cigs or less/day

Week 2- 8 cigs or less/day

Week 3- 5 cigs or less/day

Week 4- 3 cigs or less/day

March 18–no cigs ever again/day

I will probably be utilizing some “stop-smoking” aids, like nicotine gum and patches.  My BFF is using the prescription Chantix…it is making her super flatulent and REALLY bitchy.  But it seems to be working for her.  I’m too terrified of the other side effects…like depression, so I’ll do it the old fashioned way.  If anyone out there is a smoker and would like to quit, let’s help each other.  If there are any ex-smokers out there, please help me. 

Phew!  That was hard.  But I put it out there and that means there’s a whole new level of accountability.  I can totally do this…right?

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Slightly Neurotic February 16, 2009

Filed under: exercise,Fat Mentality — thedoublelifeofelle @ 11:37 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

It’s a little after 11 pm, and I usually don’t blog this late.  SIL and I went to Ikea today, and if anyone else is a fan of Ikea then you know it’s an all day event.  We go pretty often.  It’s one of the ways we “hang out.”  Usually we go on a weekday that we both have off because there’s never a crowd during the week.  Not until we pulled up to the giant blue building with lines of cars coming out of every entrance to the parking garage did we remember that today was a holiday. 

Crowds make me panicky.  Squeezing by people, bumping into people, trying to find a big enough space for my fat ass to get through…it’s all very frustrating and slightly humiliating.  My face gets hot and blotchy and my breathing quickens.  Today I noticed that I tend to pick at my fingernails too.  Have I always been this ridiculously neurotic?  Probably.  Despite the crowds, we enjoyed ourselves and we were walking around a gigantic store for hours and hours, so we definitely burned some calories.   

Today also marked the end of my 30 days/zero junk food thing.  For an entire month, I prepared all of my meals, shunned fast food and drastically cut the sugar out of my diet.  I have learned that I’m a fairly good cook that can’t follow a recipe to save my life.  Yes, I can read and understand recipes, but I always modify them one way or another.  I’ve decided to embrace this creative facet of my personality.  Usually, I get angry at myself for not doing things perfectly.  I am an “analyzer” who feels the need to plan every detail of…well, everything.  But when I’m in the kitchen, I am a slightly different person.  When I am preparing a dish, I throw in whatever strikes my fancy.  I don’t use measuring cups or spoons.  I came up with some really great meals that will probably become staples around the house.  *patting myself on the back*

I can’t believe it’s been a month since I started this whole adventure.  Such a short time, but I feel like I have made some dramatic and lasting changes.  Speaking of which, I’m going to follow Fatbridesmaid’s example and get on the Lent Exercise bandwagon.  I’m planning on purchasing a treadmill this week (finally!).  I have decided to sacrifice my mornings.  I am NOT an early riser and have never been able to workout regularly in the morning.  But that’s why they call it sacrifice.  And I seem to do well with “month-long” challenges. 

It’s quite late for this extra lusty broad.  I shall see you all on Wednesday at a decent hour.

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Fat Girl in a Little Chair February 13, 2009

Well, this week I really impressed myself.  Losing 2 lbs when I’m this bloated and crampy is just shy of a miracle.  I know that I can’t lose EVERY week, but I’m glad a gain didn’t happen this time.  I’m already a little emotional this week, and that might have done me in.  Who knows?  I’m down to 288.8 lbs, and when I tracked my new weight on WW’s, I had to recalculate my daily points allowance.  Before I was allowed 39 and now it’s 36.  That makes me feel great!  It really feels like I’m getting somewhere now.  Eighteen lbs to go to meet my first weight loss goal.  Go me!

Last night, my BFF and I went to see Jason Mraz in concert.  What an amazing vocalist!  I enjoy JM’s music and consider myself a fan, but his live performance was even better than his albums.  I am floored by his musical talent.  Seriously.  And he’s just so…adorable.  ;) 

I love going to concerts.  I do not love the itty-bitty chairs I have to stuff my ass into.  I also do not love sitting next to strangers and having my fat rolls flop onto their side of the arm rest.  Luckily, the seats at the concert were relatively roomy, and the stranger next to me was super skinny and all cuddled up with her boyfriend on the other side.  But of course we had to stand up a million times to let people squeeze by to find their seats.  Going to any kind of event in an arena/auditorium or even sometimes at the movies, can make a fat girl feel her fattest.  I feel like a giant bowling ball rolling through thousands of pins when I’m in a big crowd like that.  And when I have to slide into my seat kind of sideways (you know, you have to lower one cheek in the seat, and then squish the other one in to sit down), then I notice a Kate Moss look-a-like next to me only taking up half a seat–well, let’s just say, it doesn’t really help my self-esteem. 

I always try and talk myself into forgetting my body issues and just having a good time.  Who cares, right?  About 50 % of the time, I manage to do that.  The rest of the time, I start obsessing about my bulk and comparing myself to the thousands of strangers around me.  I really need to get a handle on the negative self-talk. 

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!  See you Monday, Lusties.

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When Nature Calls February 11, 2009

I am dreading tomorrow’s weigh-in the way I used to dread lab practical exams in college and the way I used to dread chair tryouts in high school (yes, I was a band nerd).  Maybe it’s because for 3 straight weeks I have been losing so it’s only a matter of time before I gain a half pound or two.  Maybe it’s because I am afraid that if I see a gain, I’ll hop right off the wagon and eat myself into oblivion.  Maybe it’s because I got my stupid period yesterday and am retaining a large body of water. 

Yesterday, I also (FINALLY!) got the DVDs I ordered from Amazon.  Last night I did the “morning” pilates workout.  I would give it a B-.  It wasn’t  super-challenging, but the instructor really wants you to focus on correct breathing, something I didn’t even know that I was doing wrong in other Pilates workouts.  I definitely felt my core engaging when I got the breathing down.  There are 2 other workouts on the DVD which I didn’t even get a chance to watch, so maybe they’re a bit more challenging.  I also watched the Yoga video, but haven’t actually done the poses yet.  But it looks like a great morning routine to help limber up the body. 

That’s really the main reason why I wanted these Extra Lusty DVDs: to gain flexibility.  When I wake up in the morning, I can barely get out of bed.  Everything hurts, and I never feel rested.  My body feels like it’s gone through a trash compactor in the night.  My bones crack for ages. When I try and stretch my calves by flexing my foot, I get Charlie Horses.  Standing up in the morning and putting all my weight on my feet KILLS.  I am so stiff upon rising, that I have to limp to the bathroom.  I feel like an old lady. 

I know that doing Plus Size Pilates and Just My Size Yoga isn’t going to burn nearly as many calories as taking a spin class, but I need to condition my body before I start working out hardcore.  I will NOT let myself get injured this time.  I will NOT get shin splints and let them keep me from enjoying my workouts. I will NOT have to limp my way around the walking track because of a twisted ankle.  Don’t misunderstand me, I am not afraid of the pain of working out.  I enjoy feeling that burn in my butt and abs, and that heady, sweaty endorphin rush.  But there’s a difference between coming away from a work out and feeling that you’ve accomplished something and feeling that you might have torn something. 

In other news, I missed most of The Biggest Loser last night.  Thank goodness for FatBridesmaid’s Recap.  Since Joelle is out of the house, I’ve already found new people in the house to hate.  Well, hate is a strong word.  I find some people in the house annoying.  Laura of the Green team pisses me off to no end.  I’m so glad Jillian was saying all the things that I was thinking about her.  I enjoy her teammate Tara though.  Yeah, she’s probably a bitch, but she’s an awesome competetor and she’s not a complainer like “Cupcake.”  And the Yellow team.  How freakin’ annoying are they?!   Again Jillian was spot on with her assessment of Mandi before Mandi’s husband and kids showed up on the ranch.  It was a distraction for both team members.  They should both just go home.  Everyone on the Ranch has a family (granted, not all have children, but some do), but Yellow is the only team letting homesickness get in the way of changing their lives.   

And on one final note, Fatbridesmaid just blogged about Lent and her plans to exercise everyday for 40 days.  This has got me thinking about what I should give up for Lent (it starts on Ash Wednesday, Feb 25).  Giving up laziness and excuses like Fatbridesmaid, sounds pretty appealing.  Technically there are 46 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter but those 6 Sundays aren’t a part of the Days of Lent, so I would probably use those days as rest days.  If anyone else plans on making a Lenten sacrifice, do tell.  (BTW, I’m not Catholic, so don’t let your religion or non-religion hold you back from participating.)

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